Oh courage, where art thou?

You know you're starting to hit the bottom of the barrell when you find that the darkness doesn't scare you anymore. Not out of courage where your motivation or will is stronger than fear, but the fact that you're no longer scared of the darkness because you're a part of it.

Recovery.

Today I went to church for the first time in about a month. I was on medical leave from work for a few weeks but I feel like I didn't make Jesus a priority throughout the entire ordeal. I used it as an excuse to sit back and procrastinate about every thing that I was doing. Everything that I had to do. Every thing that needed to be done. I slowly started to feel like I was in quicksand. Every day I put things off I felt like I was digging even deeper into my little hole. The further I ran away from God the more guilty I felt. The further I ran away from the light the easier it was to stay there, even though the whole time in the back of my mind I knew.. I knew I needed to face the music.

Oh courage.. where art thou?

I don't know what's up ahead of me tomorrow or even in the next hour. What I do know is.. now that I'm climbing out of this whole I've dug for myself... I'm starting to see every thing a little different. For example today at work.. every thing was just so beautiful to me. The grass, the sky, the birds. The pond, every thing in my eyes sight just had an incredible flavor to it that I wanted to take a picture of it all. As I walked through the grass that I've walked through hundreds of times I felt my soul finally at peace. I felt comfort. I felt loved. Like an overflowing waterfall above me just pouring into me;. Overwelmed with peace.

There will be a day with no more tears. No more pain, no more fear. There will be a day where I'll see Jesus face to face and there will be no more hiding.

Help me O Lord, to fall in love with you once again. To renew my soul and take back the ground I've given to satan. Renew my heart and renew my mind. I no longer wish to desire things of my own but things of you.

One thing I have noticed about some blogs I read. They say little about themselves and more about Jesus. I really appreciate that in a person's character. That it's not about them.. it's about Him. I'm trying to learn this myself and most of my life it's been all about me, entertainment and more of me. Thank you to those who dedicate these blogs to Him, and not themselves. Your words mean a lot more to some people than you may realize.