Pursuit of happiness

So here's a scramble of my current thoughts.

Independence Day.

The fourth of July.

2015.

Half the year has already passed.

Have I progressed in this time?

When people see me, do they see Jesus?

Sometimes small talk annoys me. I wish we can just skip to what's truly on our hearts.

If she only knew how I truly feel.

If only there was a chance to reveal it without ruining anything.

Bah. I can't.

She's perfect, and I'm--

Self conscious.

Not first class.

Not enough.

Not talented.

But one can daydream. 

Do I pursue Christ more?

These chips are great.

Another hour and I head back to my truck to prepare for the following work-month. A lot has changed since my last blog post. 

"Oh hey blog, I'm a trucker now." -highfive-

For years I've had a large portion of my heart in awe of God's creation. Nature. Animals. Vistas. Traveling. These are all good things-but I was in error. These were excuses to hide my true intention. I even fooled myself. I was trying to fill a void that only One can. I don't know if that 'thing' has a name. Maybe it's validation that I didn't waste my life. Maybe it's excitement that my life has something to offer to a companion. 

Vanity.

Excuses.

Lies.

I realize now that I was pursuing life. I wanted to have something to show for, and something to speak about to others. Something exciting and having worth. Sometimes having a quiet and peaceful life sounds boring. But what if it is? Though I have repented of this and no longer have this perspective; So what if this life doesn't seem fulfilling? What does this world, and even that which God has created, give me? 

Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. 

How deceiving.

I pursue Jesus. 

Creator and not the created. 

On that rock I will stand forever.

Oh, and P.S.

  I'll try and post more. This post wasn't all that informational. But I promised myself I'd update it. 

 To those that still read this blog: Stay focused. Stay vigilant. Remain in Him and do not fear. 

"You're in a hurricane. Be still."

“Naked I came from my mother’s womb,
And naked shall I return there.
The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away;
Blessed be the name of the Lord.”

In the past 24 hours I've wept more than I have in the last 24 years. Though I do not claim my pain is equivalent to Job's, the pain of loss is certainly upon me.

Those that have read thus far know my troubles with inconsistency. As God continues to work in my life and strengthen me as I walk with Him, there are many untold praises about what He's done for me in this area. Not two weeks ago I was praying with a brother about my steadfast walk with Christ and how I do not desire to ''burn-out'' or give up when trials arrive.

20 "But he who received the seed on stony places, this is he who hears the word and immediately receives it with joy; 21 yet he has no root in himself, but endures only for a while. For when tribulation or persecution arises because of the word, immediately he stumbles."

God revealed to me that he was stabilizing me and that my prayers were heard. I rejoice in an answered prayer! ...And before you I knew it tribulation found me. You see, I came back to my childhood church for one reason. Love. I wanted to find a nice girl that wouldn't lie or break my heart and I thought I would have a better chance at church. I definitely found love, and that was the love of Jesus Christ. But the desire to be with someone remained. Years passed by and it never seemed like it was my turn to enjoy the blessing of a woman in my life romantically. This has remained one of the biggest desires of my heart to this very day. God, of course, knew this.

And so there she was. I found her. So modest, so kind, so perfect in my own eyes. Every thing I could ever possibly desire in a woman was manifested and became real. She had it all. Finally, it was my turn. Finally, here she was. I found daily confirmation from God (Perhaps) that she was the one for me. That this was truly God's plan for us. Daily I felt the desire to thank God, as He gave me the desires of my heart, even desires untold in prayer. He knew me. As we progressed in our relationship we found ourselves going faster than usual, but were very aware of this. And occasionally evaluated ourselves and our position with each other to keep our emotions in check. Unfortunately that wasn't enough.

Next thing you know, completely out of left field, my heart was shattered. Just like that. No warning, not even a door of hope. I wept like a baby, crying out to God, "Why?! None of this makes sense! Every thing was just so... perfect. Why, God, WHY?!" My very faith was shaken. I was ...this close..

It came to me the next day. The Holy Spirit had revealed to me my prayer about strengthening me with my inconsistency. IF ANYTHING was to change my position in Christ, IF ANYTHING was to sway me to compromise, IF ANYTHING was to win me over AWAY FROM GOD.

IT'S A WOMAN!

God knew this. And I suppose He skipped to the biggest and strongest lesson of them all. But I did not deny Him. My words hardly give this lesson justice, as hard as it actually is.

So, in closing, a prayer.

Father -- There are a lot of things I want to say. I want my voice to be heard. I want answers. I want her. So badly, do I want her. More than I can ever describe. But You, Father, are the Lord of my life. I feel as if this is not the end. I refuse to give up on her, no matter how easily she gave up on me. So as I choose to love her as You love us, even throughout our own rejection towards you, I declare that my own love not enough. Help me give her the distance she needs to figure things out. Help her realize that love is not an emotion felt, or a spark that MUST fly for it to be the one; that love is a choice. A choice to submit one's devotion, commitment, heart and soul, thick or thin, good or bad, poverty or wealth, no matter what. Help her to realize that feelings, infatuation and even romance comes and goes. That, love is something that one chooses to do. No matter the circumstances, as it is completely unconditional.  Remind her of the cross, and how we did not deserve such a sacrifice, but that You, God, so LOVED the world, that You GAVE.  Give me your love instead, so I can see her through your eyes. Give me your wisdom, O' God, so I may carry out your will in this and not my own. Give me your heart, Lord, so I may endure until the end.

A call to serve

O' God Almighty, my Father, who loves me beyond measurement. Daily I find myself at the edge of my capabilities and you gently remind me to rely on You. Even throughout my concern and wonder, throughout my struggle to give it all to You. Then I remember--You're not finished with me yet.

________________________

James has been on my heart for the past few weeks. It's strange how you can read something five or six times, even listen to sermons about it and completely miss what God has to tell you. I don't know if my heart wasn't ready for it or not, perhaps God had His perfect timing come into play, but something happened today.  

To give you an idea of what was on my mind, I've been struggling with my memory for, well, I think since I began my walk with Jesus. It seems I can easily remember something a friend said years ago, even in the correct tone, or so many lyrics from a multitude of songs. But when it comes to scripture or a sermon I hear it seems I go blank when it comes to applying it to my life. 

I can hear a two-hour sermon about how to act in a situation but when that situation comes to pass only moments later; I blank and jump to the natural worldly reaction as to fit in or not seem ''off''. I'm sitting in my car today just pondering what's wrong with my memory. Is it me? Genetics? Then I had a jolting idea (Perhaps from the Holy Spirit) to stop listening to sermons and read straight from scripture. Since I didn't have a bible on me I opened up my Bible Gateway app on my phone and jumped straight to James 1:1 and began reading.

It jumped at me. My eyes widened and my jaw dropped, thinking, "Of course!" 

James 1:22-25

"But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. 23 For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man observing his natural face in a mirror; 24 for he observes himself, goes away, and immediately forgets what kind of man he was. 25 But he who looks into the perfect law of liberty and continues in it, and is not a forgetful hearer but a doer of the work, this one will be blessed in what he does."

For as long as I can remember I have only thought to better myself to become a better Christian. Even though that isn't a bad idea, it shouldn't be the only thing I work on! For example. I know someone who knows someone who knows someone... Who knows an elderly couple who is in great shape. They exercise daily. Someone once mentioned to them, "I truly admire your vitality." The elderly couple smiled at each other and one responded, "Exercise gives you vitality!"

I don't remember where I heard this, but I remember someone asking another how to shape their character into a more Christ-like character. The other responded, "Serving others develops that character in more ways than one." I think he's right. It teaches you to put others before yourself. Isn't that what love is? Isn't that what Jesus did for us? 

I truly think God is calling me to serve Him in a way I never have done before. I suppose.. that was the idea in the beginning, right? Well better late than never. I now desire to find something I can invest my time into and serve others so I can learn what it truly means to put others before myself. I've been so passive in my life! So much of a consumer. 

_______________________________

O' God-- How have you put up with me for so long?
Show me how I can serve.
Show me how I can avoid passiveness. 

I was blind.

But now I see.

_______________________________

Special prayer request: I've struggled a lot with my confidence in my salvation. There are times where I am certain, and then there are times where I think back to where scripture says, "Lord Lord, have we not cast out demons in your name-etc" And I worry. Because an eternity in torment just cries out ''PLEASE CONFIRM!"  Any one can have the knowledge of the bible. Even understand what it means, that doesn't mean they're In Christ. They can even put words together to sound like they know what they're talking about. That doesn't mean they have salvation. I beg of God to show me anything I am missing. I am His to mold. My life is His to take hold. Not I, but Christ in me. 

God, that's what I desire. Not I, but Christ in me.

Luke 15:11-32

O' God,

I have been absolutely ignorant towards your warnings and oblivious to your convictions. To the point where they even seem far from me to care. Once again I find myself finding out first hand what life is like without You, and I find myself falling back into Your arms with tears of regret. When will I learn?
__________________________

If it weren't for God's mercy upon me I would be long forgotten by now. I have never understood grace better than I do now, and yet I have never been farther away from understanding it, because I'd have given up on me along time ago. For those of you who haven't given up on me, you have my deepest gratitude. Although I would love to give you better news, I'm afraid I was wrong. I couldn't have been more incorrect. Would I have listened, though? Probably not.

I am inconsistent.

Somehow I find it easier to tackle larger objectives in my life that requires godly wisdom and prayer. Whether it's a job change or something crazy such as breaking down in the middle of no-where, no phone connection or any other way to contact any one. To me, that's a no brainer. But when it comes to daily walking with God like reading scripture every day or praying for someone, or even something as simple as being at church every Sunday and Wednesday; counting on me wouldn't be the wisest choice.

I acknowledge this as a problem in my life I need to work on.

It's time; yet again; to be found In Christ Jesus. After hitting what seemed to be "Rock Bottom" in my life it seems the only way to look is up. Lord willing, I will rebuild my credibility as a Christian and maybe one day help others to avoid making the stupid decisions I have made.

I was wrong.

Into the Wild

A lot of folks have noticed me disappearing quite a bit lately. Some would say I'm busy. Most probably just think I'm inconsistant and therefore spiritually immature. Maybe this is true, but I don't entirely agree just yet. The only people who read this, are one or two people that go to First Baptist of Las Colinas. To them I say: I miss you dearly. I think about both of you for hours at a time every single day. Probably one of you more than I should be.  But I don't like the idea of being in a congregation where it's forbidden to think about another person of interest more than two seconds. I don't show up because I don't want any influence clouding my judgement on what's real and what isn't. On what's true and what's false. Sometimes I feel like I'm being brainwashed otherwise. Plus I always have to answer, "Where have you been?" and "How have you been?"

Well. I've been at home. And I've been very confused about a lot of things. I'm upset. Lonely. Frustrated. Annoyed. Paranoid. Worried. I can let them into my head and tell them every thing about ''How I have been" but no one wants to hear that. And if I do tell them, then I need to explain it all and I'm given solutions to fix myself.

NO!
I just need time.
And if I'm called out as inconsistent because I choose to not wear a mask and say, "I'm great, how are you?" -- Then so be it. I'm inconsistent.

Lately I've desired living off the grid where I don't feel poisoned by society or this world's influence of hatefulness and judgement towards each other. An influence that imposes and hovers. An influence that tells me who I am, what I'm worth, and within a society that shows nothing but judgement towards each other.  I mean.. why are we so hateful towards each other? I'd rather join a hippie congregation where we genuinely care for one another and at the same time aren't being titled as a bible thumping, brainwashing, judgmental, righteous person. Of course that's not what I am, but that's how the world sees us. That's how the world views Christians.

Am I in the wrong for wanting peace and love, as cliche as it sounds?

It brings me to tears on a daily basis being shoved into politics where I have to choose sides or religious views where I'm being told what to believe or I'm off to hell.  If I pick the wrong side I'm hated by the world. If I pick the RIGHT side, I'm hated by the other half of the world.

I don't like conflict. And I believe in Jesus. I know the bible tells me I'll be persecuted for His names sake, but it kills me inside every time I'm tagged as self-righteous and judgmental. I don't like conflict.. and being a Christian CAUSES conflict. So maybe I will stick to the only truths I know for sure, for now.

I have a long road ahead of me. A road full of different cultures and endless changing horizons to fulfill an adventurous spirit.


There is a pleasure in the pathless woods;
There is a rapture on the lonely shores;
There is society, where none intrudes,
By the deep sea, and music in its roar:
I love not man the less, but Nature more...
- Lord Byron

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