"You're in a hurricane. Be still."

“Naked I came from my mother’s womb,
And naked shall I return there.
The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away;
Blessed be the name of the Lord.”

In the past 24 hours I've wept more than I have in the last 24 years. Though I do not claim my pain is equivalent to Job's, the pain of loss is certainly upon me.

Those that have read thus far know my troubles with inconsistency. As God continues to work in my life and strengthen me as I walk with Him, there are many untold praises about what He's done for me in this area. Not two weeks ago I was praying with a brother about my steadfast walk with Christ and how I do not desire to ''burn-out'' or give up when trials arrive.

20 "But he who received the seed on stony places, this is he who hears the word and immediately receives it with joy; 21 yet he has no root in himself, but endures only for a while. For when tribulation or persecution arises because of the word, immediately he stumbles."

God revealed to me that he was stabilizing me and that my prayers were heard. I rejoice in an answered prayer! ...And before you I knew it tribulation found me. You see, I came back to my childhood church for one reason. Love. I wanted to find a nice girl that wouldn't lie or break my heart and I thought I would have a better chance at church. I definitely found love, and that was the love of Jesus Christ. But the desire to be with someone remained. Years passed by and it never seemed like it was my turn to enjoy the blessing of a woman in my life romantically. This has remained one of the biggest desires of my heart to this very day. God, of course, knew this.

And so there she was. I found her. So modest, so kind, so perfect in my own eyes. Every thing I could ever possibly desire in a woman was manifested and became real. She had it all. Finally, it was my turn. Finally, here she was. I found daily confirmation from God (Perhaps) that she was the one for me. That this was truly God's plan for us. Daily I felt the desire to thank God, as He gave me the desires of my heart, even desires untold in prayer. He knew me. As we progressed in our relationship we found ourselves going faster than usual, but were very aware of this. And occasionally evaluated ourselves and our position with each other to keep our emotions in check. Unfortunately that wasn't enough.

Next thing you know, completely out of left field, my heart was shattered. Just like that. No warning, not even a door of hope. I wept like a baby, crying out to God, "Why?! None of this makes sense! Every thing was just so... perfect. Why, God, WHY?!" My very faith was shaken. I was ...this close..

It came to me the next day. The Holy Spirit had revealed to me my prayer about strengthening me with my inconsistency. IF ANYTHING was to change my position in Christ, IF ANYTHING was to sway me to compromise, IF ANYTHING was to win me over AWAY FROM GOD.

IT'S A WOMAN!

God knew this. And I suppose He skipped to the biggest and strongest lesson of them all. But I did not deny Him. My words hardly give this lesson justice, as hard as it actually is.

So, in closing, a prayer.

Father -- There are a lot of things I want to say. I want my voice to be heard. I want answers. I want her. So badly, do I want her. More than I can ever describe. But You, Father, are the Lord of my life. I feel as if this is not the end. I refuse to give up on her, no matter how easily she gave up on me. So as I choose to love her as You love us, even throughout our own rejection towards you, I declare that my own love not enough. Help me give her the distance she needs to figure things out. Help her realize that love is not an emotion felt, or a spark that MUST fly for it to be the one; that love is a choice. A choice to submit one's devotion, commitment, heart and soul, thick or thin, good or bad, poverty or wealth, no matter what. Help her to realize that feelings, infatuation and even romance comes and goes. That, love is something that one chooses to do. No matter the circumstances, as it is completely unconditional.  Remind her of the cross, and how we did not deserve such a sacrifice, but that You, God, so LOVED the world, that You GAVE.  Give me your love instead, so I can see her through your eyes. Give me your wisdom, O' God, so I may carry out your will in this and not my own. Give me your heart, Lord, so I may endure until the end.